


The Battle Lost

by Alexis_C



Category: Final Fantasy VIII
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-23
Updated: 2016-07-23
Packaged: 2018-07-26 05:43:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7562575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexis_C/pseuds/Alexis_C
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Whenever Squall looks at Seifer he feels like he lost and he can’t understand why.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Battle Lost

**Author's Note:**

> I was playing Final Fantasy Record Keeper at 1am in the morning and this scene stuck in my mind, and of course, I had to start writing it down...

Seifer cuts a tall, strapping and brooding figure as he stalks down the hallway. His coat is frayed at the ends and has seen better days as it whips around boots crusted with dirt and scuffed with battle with each step he takes.

Squall can't help but to feel that old animosity within him uncoil like a particular venomous snake, as his body tenses, ready for an attack as the other man advances. He knows he is being ridiculous, Seifer is a defeated man and his fight is over, but Squall's body remembers everything about the other man that his mind would rather leave behind.

As he draws closer, Seifer's cool gaze falls on Squall, their eyes lock and for a moment Squall forgets himself and he is seventeen again as he squarely meets and stares down the other man, his tightly controlled emotions bubbling just below the surface. Fragments of their history together filters through in that instant, past fights and injuries, so much anger and competition, jealousy, hate and something he cannot name between them, but it's all different now. The fire in Seifer's eyes is gone and in its place is a cold blank emptiness where passion used to burn bright. Squall wants to reach out and shake the life back into that hollow shell of a man, but he fights the impulse, clenching his fists instead and then the moment passes and is gone.

Seifer's gaze drops to the ground and with a barely perceptible nod, he acknowledges Squall's presence and brushes by in the narrow passageway and Squall is electrified and falling all over again back into the jumbled confused mess of feelings that was before Rinoa.

He is shaken out of his reverie, when he hears someone hiss the word "traitor". Seifer flinches as if he had been physically punched and Seifer deserves that and far worse of course, but Squall suddenly wishes that Raijin and Fujin are there to act as Seifer's shields and glare any protester into submission. The old Seifer Almasy would not have ducked his head down, eyes averted like a victim, the old Seifer Almasy would have glared down his nose at them imperiously, as if they were dust beneath his feet, as if Squall was dirt beneath his nails and he never would have been seen in any outfit that was less than perfectly immaculate.

Seifer ducks quickly into another hallway that is almost empty and Squall fights the urge to follow him for a moment, and then he gives up and moments later he silently slips after Seifer into that hallway.

After all, he hasn’t seen Seifer in almost a year since Seifer had taken off on one solo mission after another, requiring him to be away from the Garden for good long periods. Squall didn’t necessarily think it was a bad thing given the amount of hatred that was directed towards the ex-Sorceress’ knight. Time would soothe all hurts and smooth most grudges over, he had thought.

Seifer seems to be walking almost aimlessly through the maze of twisting Garden hallways, and Squall thinks that Seifer must know he’s being followed, but the other man doesn’t glance back once. Then finally, he stops and Squall’s surprised because he’s never been here before and he thinks he should know all the nooks and crannies of the Garden, by now.

There’s an alcove here, probably designed as a quiet study area for students that was built a little far away from the main campus itself, and it’s here that Seifer lays his gunblade reverently aside, as he hops onto the ample ledge bordering glass windows which provides a dizzying view of the campus.

There’s a light rain pattering down now, and Seifer leans back against the wall and closes his eyes almost as if in a deep exhaustion. Even with the sky obscured by dark grey clouds, there’s soft light coming through the glass panes that is falling across Seifer’s face and tracing all the weary lines of his features and Squall hadn’t noticed how much older they’ve all become in just that few short years, what with all the daily crises that fills the life of a Seed.

Seifer’s hair is a little longer than Squall is used to, Squall guesses the man hadn’t gotten the chance to cut it in the field, and suddenly Squall feels an urge, an impulse to go over to Seifer and… and do what? Squall asks himself quietly. What does he want with Seifer Almasy? They have never been friends, and Squall can’t ever see themselves being that, not with their complex past, but still in recent months he’s uncannily drawn to every bit of news that concerns Seifer, as if their childish old rivalry had never ended, as if he’s still chasing after that shadow of a man that now no longer exists. Again ridiculous, because Squall’s proven that he’s better than Seifer in every way, but somehow whenever Squall looks at Seifer he feels like he _lost_ and he can’t understand why.

The sound of booted footsteps echoing through the passageway suddenly startles him, and Squall hurriedly moves deeper back into the shadows concealing him. He guessed he hadn’t heard it earlier with the sound of the rain masking the earlier approach. It’s coming from the other side of the passageway and so Squall isn’t overly worried about being discovered although he still finds it strange that Seifer hasn’t already noticed and confronted him for spying. Are his edges blunted now? But Seifer remains one of the Garden’s most successful agents, one who is deadly, cold and efficient.

“Hey."

That familiar drawl almost freezes Squall where he stands, instead, he forces himself to inch forward and peer over at where Seifer is now, his body still open, languid and strangely unguarded with the other man’s approach. His eyes are still closed, but there is a barest hint of a curve around the edges of his mouth.

“Kinneas."

“Been a while."

Irvine sets his rifle aside, and edges Seifer aside with a familiarity that Squall finds disturbing as he joins Seifer on the edge companionably, their shoulders touching. They are leaning into each other and Squall feels like a voyeur suddenly, like this is an intimate scene he shouldn’t be intruding on, but he doesn’t move a muscle, his thoughts churning furiously.

Neither says anything more, both seemingly content to bask in the other’s presence. Squall supposes he shouldn’t be so surprised. He remembers reading a number of files where Seifer and Irvine had been listed as being on the same mission. In fact, Squall himself had assigned Irvine on some of those missions, seeing as how Irvine, with his past memories completely intact, hadn’t quite the same amount of animosity towards Seifer as the others had. Squall’s team in the Sorceress War was undoubtedly comprised of the most highly skilled Seeds the Garden had and with particular far-flung missions that had required expertise in a certain specific skill set and a definite amount of teamwork, it had sometimes been the only choice. Squall remembers that Irvine had been slightly hesitant, but there had been no one else when Seifer had called for back up, and the man was professional enough not to protest and off he had gone. Anyone else, Squall had been worried, might have put the bullet in Seifer’s head rather than in the target’s back.

“Your hair’s too long,” Irvine muses, as he threads his fingers through those light blonde strands at the nape of Seifer’s neck, and Squall thinks that gesture would have led to blood being spilt had anyone else, even Fujin and Raijin tried it, but Seifer smirks instead, and something stutters in Squall’s chest, as he thinks back on all the times he had inexplicably thought about doing the same, knowing he never would have been allowed.

“You try finding a hairdresser in the middle of the battlefield."

“Did you just get back?"

“Late yesterday night. Filed all my reports today and I’ll head out tomorrow morning for the next mission."

Irvine himself had just gotten back a little more than a day ago. They’d had dinner together last night with the old gang, but Irvine hadn’t mentioned his new camaraderie with Seifer, and with good reason too, Squall thinks. He can already imagine how the others would react if Irvine had mentioned it, and that quiet comfortable dinner would have collapsed into outbursts, accusations, possible tears and too much drama. No, Irvine was right to keep this a secret.

“Drinks tonight?” Irvine asks quietly, like he’s asking a woman out on a date, and Seifer doesn’t answer immediately, so Squall thinks the answer will be a no, but then Seifer nods once, quickly.

“Just the one."

Then he opens his blue-green eyes slowly, meeting Irvine’s intense gaze, and Squall can see a quick flash of warmth and open affection in them that’s quickly obscured as Seifer schools his face back into a mask of perfect aloofness. But it’s too late, Irvine grins like a cat that’s caught the canary, Seifer looks away, scoffing softly and Squall is left breathless. He’s never seen Seifer level that gentle look on anyone else, but once, the expression that looks perfectly alien on Seifer’s usually cold and scornful features. Nor has he felt that aura of calm contentment Seifer radiates when he is with Irvine, of all people.

And Squall stumbles back, because the intensity of the sense of loss that’s flooding his being is shocking in its magnifying intensity and abruptness, and he’s caught by surprise. Squall’s not sure what’s wrong with him, because suddenly he’s rushing away from the pair of them, heedless of the fact that they have surely heard him, but no one’s coming after him and maybe they haven’t realised who was spying on them after all.

His chest hurts, his eyes and cheeks are burning and Squall just wants to find Rinoa right now, let her soothe this hurt he’ll never name, because with her, everything is easy and everything makes sense, and with Seifer nothing does, because everything with Seifer is a constant losing battle that Squall should have learnt long ago not to fight.


End file.
